Doctor, Doctor give me the news...

So a little more about my brother - we have always been very close, and I may sound like I idolize him in some way and I probably do, but it is the very human part of him that reminds me of my father the most.  If I remember correctly my brother did his first year of his internship in internal medicine at the University of Nebraska in Omaha.  He was trying to decide if he wanted to do Internal medicine or oncology.  Towards the end of that year - he was taking care of a young man that had cancer and was dying.  I can not remember the kind, but that is really not relevant to this story - what is relevant is that this young man was the only child of this couple and he was around 18.  My brother had to go talk with his parents earlier in the day as this young man was slipping into a coma.  He talked with them about a Do Not Resuscitate Order and they were just devastated.  They reluctantly signed one for this child of theres and as a parent that stuck in my mind all of these years.  I don't know how they were able to make their hands work - God Bless them.  Anyways, later that day after Jim had gotten off work, this young mans condition was deteriorating quickly so he went up to see him and he was in there alone with him and he held his hand and prayed.  His breathing was shallow and Jim leaned over and whispered into his ear, "it is ok to die." This young man took one last breath and slipped away.  It was that moment that Jim knew his calling was oncology and that he was going to help people die sometimes.  This is the ultimate test right now, helping his father die.  You know, we always assume you will have another day, another Christmas, another birthday, another whatever and sometimes you are wrong...

Today was rough - I always write at night after I kiss  Poppy goodnight and put the baby to bed.  I kissed him goodnight tonight and he felt cold and it was an effort for him to say goodnight.  It is so hard to say goodnight, I am so afraid that it may be my last kiss goodnight.  Several times today he got confused.  He thought jets were flying overhead and he thought Jessica (my oldest daughter) was in the room with him.  His blood pressure was around 79/50 so it is a little worse today.  He did however manage to fixate on Trey for a little while today and in typical Trey fashion, he puked and Poppy still made a joke - he said, "oops, slip slop...bring the mop." Just something he has always said to us almost daily.  I just wish we had a little more time - things seem to be deteriorating so quickly...