Hospice is coming...Hospice is coming...

As I sit here at tonight watching my children all sleeping together in one bed I am feeling incredibly grateful, grateful and sad (of course), sad my little ones won't get to know Poppy as I know him.

It is hard to watch someone you love go through the obvious physical discomfort but the other issues - the emotional reality of knowing your days are numbered are just weird and almost tormenting.  I want to freeze time and yet, I do not want him to suffer.  It sounds obvious doesn't it? Not so obvious.  My brain and my heart are in a constant battle.  Today Poppy decided he did not want to go back to the doctor.  This decision I completely support, but understand this decision was partly made because he really can not physically get into a car and make it into a doctors office.  I hate that part.  The fact that he has made this decision is the part I can stomach (somewhat). 

Soooo, after that decision came the really hard part...... hospice.  Hospice is so amazing and I love it but I love it for other families - you know? not my family.  My brother asked him if that is what he wanted and with a little clarification - it is what he wants.  My brother is an amazing man.  He knows what is needed and as painful as it is for him, he managed to get out that hard word out (hospice) without throwing up.  I know he is a doctor, he happens to be an oncologist no less, but this is his father.  This is the man that taught him how to ride a bike, told him about the birds and the bees.  This is his daddy.  This passage will somehow change our roles.  When both your mother and father are alive - you remain somewhat a child.  Once you lose a parent - somehow it feels like you lose a part of your childhood.  I can feel that coming.  

Well in typical Poppy fashion after everyone left - he waived his finger up in the air back in forth as if to music and sang Hospice is coming...Hospice is coming as if to the rescue.  A tad sarcastic, but still funny.  

One of the questions that comes up several times a day, is how much time does he have? Well - that is tough.  I know not long, but that does not mean he doesn't have a few months.  Today he ate a little, but we can hear more wheezing in his chest and he insists it is from his pneumonia vaccine, but I am thinking perhaps he has some fluid in his lungs from all the other yuck happening.    So days, weeks, months... really I hate not knowing and I would hate to know.